So this was something i wrote while I was snowed in with my kittens (and no Jon...he was plowing snow all day!)
These next words are just crazy things that come to my head and if i don't say them, then i repeat them in my head over and over again and makes me upset so i need to just share a little.
I hate free time.....cuz it gives me to much time to think!!!!!
Why can't i go to a Dr. about not getting pregnant since it's been 6months! Just because I'm not 2 years older... i have to wait a year to see a specialist! By the time its a year everyone and their brothers dog will have had a baby!
I finally went to confession, especially since i felt like i needed to, and for some silly reason i thought that i would be pregnant this time after i went! So why do i pray to a saint about getting pregnant? I pray directly to God and lady of Guadalupe!
I haven't been to adoration, or to bible study, or seen my friends in along time because all of this stupid weather! Even if i did talk about this with my friends....i don't even know what to say! I don't know what to compare this feeling that i have! The pain is worse then when i was single and wanted to be married. Its not the same pain, its different.
Don't worry about it, just have fun, enjoy your time together.............I know all of this, Jon and i don't just try during my fertile times, we have fun and enjoy our time together, Jon is so good to me....i couldn't have asked for a better man then him!!! He has shown me what an amazing man he is especially when i freak out and he comforts me so well! It is really hard on him when i get upset....he trys to take all my pain plus more....it makes him just as upset! He wants kids too....So bad....that's what makes it even harder!
I feel like a psycho of feelings, I've gained weight........all Jon has is praise for me and how beautiful i am!!!! like i said i can't thank God enough at how amazing my husband is and how special he is to me!!!! But i just need to get my words out of my head so I'm not replaying it over and over in my head!
I feel better after throwing all my feelings out there.
Side note....when i was typing this the other day i was also balling my eyes out and the cats were running all over my house going crazy and Mandy herd me crying and stopped running and playing and came over to the couch and put his paws up and just looked at me like "what's wrong!" and then jumped up on my lap and got in my face and our nose's were touching...how cute is that...he didn't like me crying!
Sorry for this explosion of emotions.....i just needed to get it out and i figured if people are sick of hearing about this they would not read it and if you did...I'm sorry again!
3 comments:
Hey friend! I know what you mean about trying to get your thoughts out of your head so they stop bouncing around in there. I'm also glad that you did, because I want to know what's going on in your heart. I don't claim to understand what you're going through, but I care, and I'm praying for you!
call me we can chat. You know that I am all to knowledgeable with this stuff and I know your pain. I hated when people said that stuff. i really did and unless you have been there I think you should jsut support and hug not give words of advice. (i know that sounds me but it is the truth)
The only comfort I can give you is that it is terrible to play that waiting game, it is terrible to try to understand God's timing, it is terrible to be sad all the time cause the one thing you want so desperately no body can help you to get. But when you see those two lines, you hear that heartbeat, you feel that first kick and when they place the baby on you with that first cry, every second was worth it. Every negative you saw, every jealous feeling you felt when others announced their big news, every second that passed without a baby in your arms. It was all worth it to have the greatest miracle placed in your arms that could never be if you and your husband had not fallen in love.
It is a miracle and sometimes it just takes longer for our miracles to get here.
Love you
Amen to everything Sam said, Chrissy. I love you. I know, first hand, what you're going through. Right now, for you, it is agonizing. It's painful, feels hopeless, and nothing anyone can say makes it better. I'm sorry that you have to go through it, Chrissy. And, there's not much I can say that can really make you feel any better about it, which really stinks, but just know that I felt all of this too. I was a basket case. It took us 3 1/2 years- and the worst part was we kept getting pregnant but losing the babies. Towards the end of our waiting for a baby I was in such a deep depression that we had to go into counseling. And, it wasn't because I wasn't trying to pray about it- I was just in so much pain that I had a hard time bringing it to God and leaving it with Him. Just know that I love you, that I've been there, and that I'm praying for you. I'm praying that you'll not only be able to be parents soon, but that you'll have His grace to get through the painful waiting period. I know we haven't talked in person in a looooong time :) but please know you can call me, any time to talk, or even email me. I'm here for you- sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on, and it can help if the person at least knows how you feel, even if they can't make it better. Lots of love,
Jenni xoxo
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